Karena. 21. Queen's University Alumni. B.Ed student at Ottawa U. Puppies. Singing. Chocolate. Organization. Jokes. Lazy early mornings.
20 days have passed since I last time heard your voice, though for me it as though time has stopped since that morning. I would do anything to hear you speak with me. One way conversations don’t fill the silence but rather create an imbalance which leaves me heavy from sorrow.
I spend my days distracted by cleaning, filing, taking care of financial and lawyer business, yet everything I do, I do now with a full head…as if my mind and body are on two different operating systems. I go through the motions, my actions unaltered as if nothing has changed. Eat, sleep, get dressed and put on my mascara, walk the dog, unload the dishwasher, do groceries and tell the cashier I’m good because it is easy and simple. The routine is safe and predictable, the outcomes controlled and familiar. My body does what it needs to do. But my thoughts? All of my thoughts and cognitions are different now. They are tinted grey, drenched with doubt and uncertainty. Juxtaposed with fear and strength. The ebbs to my body’s flow. My ideas are transient, my emotions erratic.
Anger, sadness,empathy, confusion, courage, bravery, fear, shock, nostalgia… each day and every hour with its fleeting moments carries diverging sentiments. My brain is in overdrive trying to make sense of a situation with no answer that could ever satisfy my desire.
All I can do is hope and stay strong for you.